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Monday, June 13, 2011

Coming out

As Most have you know I had posted my coming out story on interpals , but will share it here as well .
when I was in my teens, i knew that I was gay . But it was hard for me to come out for one i was in a christain private school, where they pretty much frowned on the word gay. I also lived with my grandmother who was very prejudice and set in her own ways.
So I kinda isolated myself, for I couldnt get close to my friends as i could not be who I truly was, felt like i was in a dark cave. When school ended I had joined a church , and eventually joined the praise team there, which to me was the best thing for me as I was very shy in school and this kinda let me burst out of my bubble or shell as you would say. I was one of the lead singers there, and actually was on the praise team for about 2 and a half years. Again I started doubting myself, and then questioning of how can i be on this stage singing being gay is a sin , everything i was taught from school , the feelings i have is wrong. I then decided to talk to the praise team leader and said that I was stepping down and eventually left the church. (I regret doing this to this very day, so I guess if i could ever say if I regret something in my life, I would say it was stepping down from what I enjoyed. I don't know what or where I would have gone to if i stayed on the praise team, who knows maybe see the world.But as they say things happen for a reason , and am very grateful for the steps that I have walked in life as it has made be be the person I am today , and am able to share this story with you , who may be having a hard time dealing with being gay or just don't know if you should or should not share with loved ones that you are gay.) But let me go on with my story, As I ended the praise team ,
I slowly started isolating myself, what was the point in being friends with people who will never know the real me, I pushed myself away from everyone, my family , my friends , and just went to work and home, and when i was at home I grew into a dark depression state. as weeks went by i isolated myself even more and also thoughts were running through my head a mile a minute .
like your not normal
you are a freak
you will go to hell
God doesnt love gays
your friends will hate you
your family will dis own you
the list goes on and on
And when you have this going in your head all day week after week, you loose grip of reality and begin to believe these things. I then had enough, I decided I was going to end my life and solve the problem
I was so close I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw staring back at me. I was thinking why me,
why can't I be like everyone else. So with tears in my eyes, I picked up the razor blades and was about to go through it, again i looked in the Mirror with my eyes so red, from crying, I then realized , I am a special person , I don't want to be like everyone , I just want to be me, and I will find a way to get through this , but in the end I will live the way I want to live, No more pleasing others , no more hiding in the caves, enjoying life to the fullest , and maybe one day share my story as I am doing now with you .
I then became more into a positive state that I was no longer going to live my life pleasing others .
I picked up the phone and called one of my friends up and she answered, and I said i really need to tell you something , and I started crying , she was like you can tell me anything , I amlost chickened out and she asked again, what is it got my nerve up and just said that i was gay.
she said is that it ,like it was no big deal . and I was just thinking i made this into such a big thing and it was nothing to her, then she was telling me that she was bi-sexual . we had a great conversation that night, and to me I felt so much better and was able to be a closer friend to her .
The very next day, I got the nerve to tell my mom, this time no tears , i just told my mom i needed to talk to her without my brother or sister being there. She said ok and I told her that I was gay, she thought I was joking , and I was just thinking who would joke about this, I assured her that this was not a joke that I was in fact gay and have been for several years, just never told anyone.
So i really didnt get a warm vibe from her, but she accepted it and moved on.
Throughout my weeks I told many of my friends and even some of my close co-workers . many was accepting , some started not talking to me much, but I just thought you know , it really didnt change who I was a few weeks ago , this is just something more you know about me and if you can't accept it and want to walk away that is totally fine , because I don't need those friends who say that they are there for you and then when you really need them, they walk away.
Now the moment of truth had to come, for me to really be happy , I had to tell my clostest family member , she was like my mom , my friend , she was my grandmother . I knew how she was and was so scared of her reaction, that she possibly would have nothing to do with me , that she would say that I am no longer part of the family. as she had done this to a cousin of mine just for being with someone of a different color .
So I went to her house and was visiting and we were in the living room , and was just looking at her, she immediately asked , what was on my mind? I told her nothing. and she said I know you too well tell me whats bothering you, there I started crying, I had the nerve to do it but just couldn't she said please tell me for she didnt want to see me in that state and not talk about it .
So i wiped my tears aside and I told her that I was gay,
she told me to come over to her and sit on her lap and gave me a huge hug and kiss like was 5 again
and she said no matter how you live your life , be who you are , as long as you are happy , she was happy and that no matter what i did , she would love me, lets just say i just broke there, because in my wildest thoughts i would have never thought that was what she would say to me.
At that moment I felt a ton of bricks being lifted from my shoulders, that I was finally able to be myslelf , finally able to live my life for me and not others .
So that is my coming out story .
But for some it is not that easy, as like i said, you could lose some close family members or friends .
and you have to do it at your time , don't rush it, take your time, you will know the right time to do it .
for some they never come out, what is so important is that you be happy , you live your life for you , do not let other people control what you say or do in this world. life is too precious to not live it to how you want it , it may not turn out how you thought it would and then again , many people just may surprise you after you tell them , and you will be able to be free from your chains .
I know that this is a difficult time for you and encourage each and everyone of you to be strong , do not feel helpless or put your self in that cave, talk to people , talk online to people who dont know you just to get it out of your system , start a journal write your thoughts down , tell it to yourself ove rand over its ok to be gay , Its ok to be happy the way I am and mean it .
So many things I want to tell you all, so much advice , but it takes you and only you that choice is yours, but remeber you are never alone , and there may be so many people who hate you and want nothing to do with you , but there are so many more that want you for just you because you are so special , and this world needs you in it , so go shine and never let anyone steal your happiness


1 comment:

  1. I am so proud of you . You are a beautiful person inside and out and I am glad to know you and glad that you are in my life. I hope that by you posting your story and reaching out , that it will help someone else.